"It’s crazy how much you’ll tolerate for someone you care about"
there’s nothing wrong with admitting you were once toxic.
there’s nothing wrong with admitting you made a couple people feel like shit.
there’s nothing wrong with admitting you fucked up and were horribly arrogant and parasitic.
there’s nothing wrong with admitting you did anyone wrong, especially if you’ve learned from it. If you’re humble enough to admit it, I guarentee there’s a bit of a good person inside of you.
"You’re overthinking… stop being so calculating. Scared to make the wrong move, or hold back on what you really want to say. Begin to flow… accept what comes, and let go of what wants to go. When a connection is meant and the love is real, you cannot even get in the way."
"I like how sleeping next to someone means more than sex sometimes, the body’s way of saying ‘I trust you to be by my side at my most vulnerable time,’ you have no defenses when you are asleep, you tell no lies"
"My desires in a relationship have changed over time. I no longer want someone who promises to always love me and never leave me, I need someone who understands that life happens and sometimes things don’t work out. I don’t want someone who sugar coats things and never gets angry with me, I need someone to tell me how it really is and put me in my place. I need to be able to go five hours without talking to you and not feel lost or incomplete. I am complete without you. But with you, I want to be so much better. I want to be stronger with you. I want us to grow together and help each other grow individually. I don’t need you, but I really fucking want you. And this may not work out, but the fact that you understand all of this and this how our relationship works, makes me think we’ve got a pretty good shot."
on a scale of one to ten how sad are you.
you almost say seven but the answer floats in your lungs like rising mud. you shift your shoulders. some part of you is already forming an excuse. that it’s not that bad sometimes. one, two, three on a day that the clouds are out. you’re just complaining about stuff. yesterday you laughed past a brick of a four, does that make the brick come down to a two-point-five. the solid seven panic attack of last tuesday feels somehow like a little thorn, just a regular day full of a gentle three-point-nine earthquake rocking after yesterday’s close-to-an-eight. see but if tomorrow you have a real bad day, it will make today look simple.
and what if. what if tomorrow it’s a big old red eight-point-nine. like one of those days where sirens are going off in every part of you but you’re stuck behind a glass window watching it all burn down. like one of those days that your skin against the air feels foreign. like too much of everything. like sitting-in-the-shower, like can’t-eat, like the tide isn’t just coming in, it came while you were sleeping and now you’ve gotta learn how to swim. like bounce me against a bullet hole kind of day.
you keep numbers like nine and ten way out of reach. those are for the people who really are suffering. you’ve got no excuse. nine and ten are funeral numbers, for real problems, not yours, no. and sometimes you’re fine. and you’re kind of used to it. and it’s not sad, it’s just numb like a television caught on static. numb like i can’t remember if i care about this. numb like nothing works but i can’t be bothered to fix it. that’s not sad that’s every day stuff. everybody feels like this, right? feels like they’ve been shut off. right.
maybe five. right in the middle. like not gonna shoot myself but i’m not wasting your time. a nonanswer. like could be worse could be better. like i need help but i don’t want you to worry even though i need someone to worry about me because i can’t worry about myself. maybe five. but what if five is too small. what if five is too big. what if -
“on a scale of one to ten,” he repeats into your silence, and then pauses. “and please be honest about this.”
"I want you to know that it is not always easy to love me. In fact, it’s probably never easy to love me. Not even for a second, I’m hard to love. Cause sometimes my heart fills with so much emptiness that it’s hard to breath. And sometimes my mind wanders out to the extreme and brings back emotions I thought would be gone. My point is I’m not easy to love, and if you can’t love me when I don’t talk to you for three days because I’m just so depressed that getting out of bed is hard then you are not fit to love me. If you can’t love me when I’m warm & happy at 2 pm then you can’t love me when I’m cold & harsh at 4 am. I need a lover who knows how to love me when I’m sad because the fact is I can’t do this on my own. Even if I say I can, I know deep down I can’t. And I don’t want to do it all alone which is what I’ve been doing for the past 18 years of life I’ve had. So please, if you’re gonna love me when I’m happy and sweet and spilling I love you’s out like it’s your name then you’re gonna have to love me when I’m on my bathroom floor crying, to tired to move, scared of what I’ll do. You’re gonna have to hold me. You’re gonna have to tell me it’s gonna be okay even if you don’t think it is. You’re gonna have to tell me that even in this mist of sadness that I have you. That I’m not alone even though I feel like I am 99% of the time. So please, please, please be careful with my heart. It’s been broken so many times and sure I’ve always put it back together but my kindness is growing weaker with every I love you that is met with a “goodbye, you weren’t enough.” So all I ask is think. Please think for a good 10 minutes of this, if I’m what you want. If you can handle this. If you choose to stay I promise I’ll love you the same each day. I promise I’ll love you when you are down about life and I promise I’ll love you when you are so joyful that it hurts to smile because you’ve been doing it all day. I promise I’ll love you with everything I have which isn’t much but I hope it’s enough. I hope I’m enough. So when you figure everything out let me know. I’ll be waiting"
"There are some feelings you will never find words for; you will learn to name them after the ones who gave them to you."
"Her sentences were icebergs, with just the tip of her thought coming out of her mouth, and the rest kept up in her head, which I was starting to think was more and more beautiful the longer I looked at her."
